June 15th 2011

Carroll wasn't in the 21% that made it through his cancer for 10-12 months.
My world ended when he died in our bed early morning of June 15th, 2011.
His world started in another place.

It has been 4 months now, and I pretend I am ok and getting along. I miss him so much I can't breathe.

When he left me I realize how many people it would take to replace him.
I lost my cook,
my gardener,
my landscaper,
my maid,
my lover,
my confidant,
my friend,
my teddy bear bed warmer,
my partner,
my playmate,
my companion,
my sounding board,
my heart,
my soul, and
my reason to get up in the morning.

I miss you, Carroll
you can come back now.

Thanks for your thoughts and prayers

Hello All of Vivian's friends,

I dont know how to go on each of your blogs and thank you all, so I am just thanking you all here. you all brought a tear to my eye. It is amazing how many people Vivian has touched! here I thought she is just my sister.
I am not talented like her or creative like her, but I appreciate all she can do. She is special and you all probably know that.

anyway,
Thanks for your thoughts
Valerie

The "never" ending story. . .

Ok so here it is, another year and more trouble. okay last year I couldnt really say anything except about Grandma because I spent the whole year looking for a house to buy. finally in November we moved into a house. It is a good house, great mortgage payments and only 4% interest on the loan.
however, within a week of moving in the trouble started. Carroll is sick again. All through November and December we spent a lot of time at the VA hospital and having tests run. he has cancer again. Now you may notice he had Kidney cancer in 2008 and recovered after a partial nephrectomy. He has skin cancer, but not Melanoma, now he has lung cancer.

So this time, after two months of tests and biopsies, we have a clear diagnosis of SCLC which means small cell lung cancer stage 4, otherwise known as extensive SCLC. It means the cancer has metastasized to more than two other locations. In Carroll's case it is his adreanal gland, abdomen, lung, and brain.

What does that mean? It is inoperable, it is incurable, and it is the most agressive kind of lung cancer.

(deep breath)

All treatments are for quality of life. Chemotherapy actually does well killing the tumors already present and shrinking them, more than 90% have results with strong chemo. The only problem is.. the cancer is so fast growing, it usually grows faster than they can treat it. Also with this type of cancer they usually suggest patients have whole head radiation to PREVENT brain metastasis, but since Carroll already has it... they will try a little stronger radiation. This could extend his quality of life for months.

months.

without treatment this kind of cancer has about 6 to 8 weeks for survival. With treatment 21% are around 10-14 months.

Ofcourse those are only statistics. There are exceptions ofcourse.

Chemo has started and he has lost his hair. I call him Telly Savalas. the radiation of his head starts early in February.

I am overwhelmed, strong for Carroll, worried, freakin' out, sad, mournful, depressed, not real talkative, and germ-a-phobic now.

I don't know why I write this kind of stuff here.